Despair
by LitGG1982
Summary: This is my take on "watershed". It takes place right after Castle finds that boarding pass to Washington. What if he just can t take it anymore? what if Kate really screwed up this time? Bad summary but give it a try please.
1. Chapter 1

This may be a one parter, maybe a multi chapter piece, I am not so sure yet. This story is placed during watershed, this whole proposal thing hasn´t happened yet and in my world should not have happened altogether. Don´t get me wrong, I am rooting for those two, but in my world, things would have gone differently.

Disclaimer: I don´t own ´em. I just borrow them and play with them. Once I am done with them, you´ll get them back. (or the pieces left of them...)

Kate´s POV

Despair. Disbelief. Disappointment.

His eyes lacked of everything I´ve become so fond of over the years. Whenever life played its game with me, whenever the fear of drowning became too much to bear, whenever the thought of giving up was presenting itself, all it took was one look from him. His eyes would tell me that everything´s alright, that I would actually get out of this more alive and more ambitious than before. And now...

It hurt to even look at him. The way he grabbed his coat, mumbling something about needing to get out of here, made my heart sink. Seriously, I could feel my heartbeat in my knees. The door closed and I welcomed the silence I was left with.

I went over to the fridge and was immediately relieved to find the half empty bottle of Chardonnay. The one I had planned to drink tonight. With him. I didn´t bother with a glass, but I started swallowing the pure liquid directly out of the bottle. My organs started to get back to their destined places and the knot in my stomach slowly vanished.

What was I thinking? That he wouldn´t find out about me going behind his back? That he´d be okay with it? That he´d understand that I had to do it? "Fuck" I screamed out loud, covering my eyes with my left hand, the right one still holding tightly on to the bottle. Were we over? Would he get over this? Would I get over this? And most importantly why did I do this? Part of me knew. I knew I had to. I had to challenge myself, see if I could be more, if I was up to the task. I betrayed him for completely selfish reasons. The worst part is: I could have included him, no I should have included him. He would be proud of me if he had been part of this. We would have drunk the wine together, laughing about how scared I was during that interview. He would have told me that it was their loss if they didn´t want me. We would have worked it out if they did. Now, it was too late.

I felt a headache coming; rubbing my temples I walked over to the couch and sat down. I kicked of my shoes and buried my feet under my thighs. The headache just wouldn´t go away.

I must have drifted off, because it was dark when I opened my eyes. My phone was on vibrate and danced around the table, buzzing. I took in a deep breath and answered the phone without cheking who it was.

"Beckett", my voice was flat. I swallowed. I heard him greet me.

"Hey."his voice didn´t give a damn away. I heard him taking a sip of his drink.

"Castle, I´m..." he interrupted me by laughing ironically.

"Save it, Kate. No need to explain. You´re not ready." Silence. Another sip on his end. Damnit, where did I put that bottle?

" I am ready though." he continued. Another sip.

"But I am not ready getting hurt every time I feel like we´ve finally reached common ground." His voice cracked.

"I´ve been sitting at my desk and I kept thinking. Why? Why is that you´re not ready? We have been dancing around each other for 5 years. We faced death more times I can count, but we always made it out alive. Sometimes even better than before. I can´t do this anymore, Kate." I swallowed hard and felt the tears burning in my eyes.

"Castle?" more a question than a way to interrupt his rant.

"Kate, please let me finish. I can´t do this anymore, I need to put myself first just once. I think we should take a break. From us." I screwed up. My lungs ached, my heart was trying to escape my chest, my vocal chords failed me. I closed my eyes and sank back on the couch, crying heavily. I didn´t care that he must be waiting for an answer on the other line. I just didn´t care anymore.

So, what do you think? Review please. I decided that this is gonna be a multi chaptered fic. I have so much to tell ;-)


	2. Chapter 2

Here we go, 2nd chapter. Btw, i forgot to mention that English is so very not my native language, I am German.

Alexis´POV:

I was slightly tipsy when I got home this night. _Home _as in the loft. I would always come running to Dad, whenever I felt like something was of. With me, with him, with Grandma or with the world. And when I left this bar and couldn´t walk in a straight line anymore, I decided to spend the night at home, have him nurse me in the morning, see the pride in his face over the fact that his lovely daughter can´t hold her schnaps. I laughed silently, looking forward to seeing him in the morning. When I finally got the door open, I definitely wasn´t expecting him sitting in his office though, staring off into space, an empty glass standing on the desk before him, an also empty bottle was rolling on the floor sounding like a soothing lullaby. Nothing was soothing about this scenery. Nothing at all. Dad didn´t even see me enter his office, didn´t react to my sound, my touch as I patted him on the shoulder.

"Dad?, what´s wrong?" surprised he turned around, his eyes wide and tired. I have seen him like this uncountable times. He´d have trouble sleeping over a book, book signing, deadlines, but he never looked as broken as he did in this very moment and I have to admit it scared the hell out of me. Although people always thought that I was the mature, the adult in this household, it simply wasn´t true. Dad was the one worrying about me, raising me to be the person I yet have to become. He´s the one who provided me with books, literature, fun and a pretty unburdened life. He was mother and father, friend and challenger. My gaze lingered on his face, taking in the exhaustion, the absolute lack of energy. I smiled at him and gave him a peck on the cheek and there I saw it, those sparkles, not very obvious, but still hidden under layers and layers of pain, not quite reaching his eyes, but nonetheless they were still there. Somewhere. His dimples showed as he tried to master up a smile in return. He shook his head disbelievingly.

"What are you doing here, pumpkin?" I pouted at the nickname.

"I decided to sleep over." A knowing nod.

"Alexis, are you drunk?"That smile finally reaching his eyes. I shook my head. Ooh, shouldn´t have done this. I started feeling dizzy.

"Maybe. I didn´t drink much though, just a couple of beers." He grimaced.

"Just a couple of beers? I see." He opened his arms and patted on his lap, motioning me to sit down.

He giggled, yes giggled.

"Me too. Drunk that is." I started to get worried. More so, that he now looked me in the eye and started talking.

"Promise me something, pumpkin." I nodded.

"Whenever it is that you feel like being taken for granted, like someone is not appreciating you or your actions or your level of commitment, please leave." He paused, but continued soon with a hint of smirk on his lips.

"or call me, I know people who know people who could take care of that." I let out a deep breath, I didn´t realize I had been holding. All of a sudden I was sober again. Dad got up; got two glasses out of the cabinet along with a bottle of red wine. He uncorked the bottle, poured two glasses and held one out to me. I silently shook my head thanks, but he wouldn´t have it.

"Sweety, no hang over unless it´s a beer/wine disaster hang over. Trust me." He closed his eyes and kept handing me the glass. I finally accepted and tried a sip. Surprisingly it didn´t taste that bad.

"Allowing it, makes it less tempting, huh?" He had a point and I loved him even more for that. So many of my friends went crazy with this whole drinking experience, just because their parents wouldn´t allow it. Just because it was forbidden. Growing up, I never felt like this. Dad always assumed I would know what´s best. And I guess I did, because he raised me to know and to appreciate my freedom. Not to take anything for granted. Giving and taking. Lately it seems Dad hadn´t been on the receiving end and it made me feel this deep ocean of sorrow. He deserved it all. He was not flawless, never had been. But, there´s always a but, what made him perfect, was the fact that he never thought of him as flawless. He knew exactly what he was capable of, he knew exactly how to hurt people close to him. He knew all that. But he would never dream of using it against them. He´d suffer in silence. Writing, spending time with me. Chasing after women had been a flaw back then, but it had changed over the last couple of years and I saw him relaxing. Because chasing after something that wasn´t real, wasn´t him. Apparently he learned that the hard way. I´d seen the ups and the downs, the pure euphoria when it turned out Det. Beckett wanted the same thing, the whole package. The middle part where he would outdo himself, being there, appreciating her and her life, respecting her privacy. It was like they were finally _there. _I am pretty sure he was anyhow.

"You want to tell me what happened?" I inquired. He raised an eyebrow and took a sip of his wine.

"Nothing, pumpkin. Just melancholia, I guess." I slightly shook my head, my hair flying around.

"Try again, Dad." Understanding dawned on him. He couldn´t lie to me.

"Sometimes in life you have to chose. Am I ready to live a compromise? Has the dream you´ve been chasing for so long, changed along the way? What is it that you want and exactly how much are you willing to sacrifice for that?" He rubbed his temples and took a deep breath, looking at me expectantly.

"Shouldn´t your dreams change along the way? The goals you have set when being in a total different phase in your life, isn´t this what makes life worth exploring?" It was way past midnight and here I was sitting with my father, drinking wine, trying desperately to keep it all together for him. My heart was broken.

"You´re a wise and old soul, Alexis. But sometimes it´s just not enough. Sometimes you just want to arrive. Settle down. Find your peace." I laughed.

"You sound like you´re going to die, Dad. You know, you´re still young. Kind of." He smiled at this.

"You know me, I´m not giving up, Alexis. Never. I have you, which by the way was my best achievement so far." I threw a pillow at his head.

"So far?!" I heard him chuckle. His soothing baritone voice vibrating in his throat.

He got up from his seat and came over to hug me.

"I really am proud of you, you know that, right?" I nodded, trying to keep those sobs from getting out. He was broken and ice cream and pancakes weren´t going to change that this time.

We never actually mentioned it. But I knew that Kate and Dad were over. I needed a plan. I needed to talk to Kate. The belonged together, but one of them didn´t know yet. And it wasn´t Dad.

I just love the Alexis/Castle relationship and I wanted to explore that aspect a little bit more. Please review. Thank you for reading.


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